


I Need You, I Could've Lost You (I Need You, I Did)

by orphan_account



Category: Free!
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, rin is a romantic crybaby and I love him for it pass it on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-11 10:53:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1172194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin finds out about what happened to Makoto That One Night during Iwatobi's training session at the beach. He reacts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Need You, I Could've Lost You (I Need You, I Did)

**Author's Note:**

> Originally on [tumblr](http://attemptsonwords.tumblr.com/post/75071705173/i-need-you-i-couldve-lost-you-i-need-you-i-did-lose), but now a bit more polished.

“Yo, are you guys going to the island again for training? Maybe I’ll let Iwatobi share some pool time with Samezuka since, y’know, my being captain and everything.” Rin smirks at Haru, leaning slightly back and resting his arms behind his head from his seat on the floor. “I think I’ll have a captain-to-captain meeting next time Makoto and I go out and plan from there.” Their anniversary’s coming up, though Rin isn’t quite sure if he wants to spend some of that time discussing swimming matters. He isn’t quite sure if he wants to spend any of that time discussing anything to be perfectly honest.

Then again, Rin has put _a lot_ of thought into a lovely prepared dinner that he’s been slaving over the internet finding the perfect recipe for whenever he’s not busy with school or swimming. He’s even willing to make something involving chocolate for dessert (though dark is the most he’ll go). And then there’s getting the present itself; he’s considering a stuffed cat, maybe tying a red ribbon with a shark tooth around its neck to remind Makoto of Rin. Is it stupid and a bit childish? Yeah, sure, but it’s not like he can get Makoto the actual fucking thing.

Nonetheless, Rin’s ecstatic about the dinner, the amount of effort put in and the inevitable look of joy on Makoto’s face at the final result. He can’t wait.

Because four months is totally something worth celebrating to this caliber, fuck you.

Haru picks at his mackerel before responding, snapping Rin out of his train of thought. Right. He’s still spending his afternoon at Haru’s. “I’m not sure. I think we need to talk about it first.”

“But you guys, Makoto especially, seemed fine when I saw you guys last year.”

Haru glances up at Rin and squints. “Wait, what?”

“What?” The handles on the kitchen cabinet are absolutely lovely, so Rin decides to put all of his attention into staring at them.

Haru shrugs and goes back to his meal. “Remember that one storm? Rei decided that then would be a perfect time to train and ended up almost drowning.”

Rin’s stomach drops, even though his what he likes to call his “pupa protege -” all in love and care of course - is totally fine now. He can’t help but understand Rei’s actions too, going at great lengths to improve at something you want to do so well in, even if the extreme can be harmful.

It’s the moment that follows that has Rin’s concern go up to eleven though, because now Haru’s tightening his hold on his chopsticks and staring at his food, pupils quivering. Rin's reminded of the look Haru gave him through his own blurry vision, after Rin pinned him to the ground and broke down during regionals not too long ago.

He doesn’t share Makoto and Haru’s weird-ass telepathic communication thing they have going on, but the way Haru’s eyes shine the way they are now, the way they hold so much emotion, it’s clear that he reserves it when he expresses concern for those he deeply cares about.

Rin knows who Haru’s thinking about immediately.

“Makoto went after him and lost consciousness. I went after him while Nagisa saved Rei. I was able to get him to shore, but Rin, he was barely breathing. I thought I was going to lose him.

Haru closes his eyes for a few seconds, but it feels more like minutes that have been dragged into hours.

It’s because Rin’s world stops.

In those few seconds, Rin’s eyes widen, his heartbeat accelerates, an imaginary trickle of ice piercing his body from throat to chest to stomach. He places his hands next to him to prevent himself from falling as his mind fills with the image of a stone-like Makoto, the light in his eyes gone and life sucked away by the one thing that he fears the most. He thinks of the look on a twelve-year-old’s Makoto’s face when it was Haru completely still in front of the two of them in the river and how his eyes barely mist whenever they walk past a grave for his fucking goldfish (though Rin knows the story and has always sympathized).

He pictures the water’s depths sensing Makoto’s fear, pulling him to their dark, mysterious hell, because who else would be a better victim than the one who’s constantly embracing it?

Rin doesn’t know how to react, so naturally, he screams.

“Why did you never tell me this? Why did _Makoto_ never tell me this? I’d think that even Nagisa’s big mouth would’ve let it slip at one point! What the fuck is wrong with you guys?”

Haru shrugs again. When he opens his eyes to look off to the side, they’re back to being Haru-like and void of emotion, only hinting to return if anything involving two hydrogen and an oxygen molecule were in question. “What happened in the past happened and we’ve moved past it.”

Speechless. Rin’s mouth is hanging open, head tilted in a “you have got to be absolutely shitting me” way, but he can’t bring himself to actually say the words to his friend.

Haru comments instead, “You look like a fish gasping for air.”

Rin can only blink in response.

“Here, water will help bring some life back into you.”

Rin remains frozen, but shifts an eyebrow up and cocks his head even further to the side in disbelief.

“You’re so fucking weird, Haru.” he manages to get out before downing the glass anyway and rushing out the front door.

He knows he's a solid runner, he’s damn good with his legs (in multiple ways: ask Haru when it comes to racing and Makoto with…other things), but Rin needs to go faster, has to, Haru and Makoto are pretty much next door neighbors, and _oh my god_ why can’t he get there faster.

It’s the image of a lifeless Makoto weighing him down, sinking his heart and causing his breath to shorten. The sandy color of his skin is pale like the little of the moon escaping the storm clouds above him and just as cold. His mouth just barely hangs open in a last desperate breath, and permanently gone is his signature smile that looks like how a hug feels.

(there’s an image of a precession in white, Rin holding onto Kou’s arm while she cries; he would too, but he’s exhausted and he’s wrung out of tears)

Rin pauses in front of the jar of water holding a single flower, the rock serving as a makeshift gravestone, and when he’s sure no one is looking, bows in respect.

(he thinks of an actual gravestone a hundred times bigger and more polished, how it doesn’t move nor responds whenever he bumps his fist against it, but the action means so much to him anyway)

Then Rin pounds on his boyfriend’s door as the sun starts to dip behind him, beating the damn thing until he can break it down himself.

“Rin?”

He doesn’t respond when Makoto opens the door, instead, shoving him into the closest wall, causing Makoto to drop the empty laundry basket he’d been holding, pressing his lips to the other’s in nothing short of urgency, opening his mouth and taking him whole because he needs Makoto _now_.

Is his family home? Who the fuck cares. There’s a vague reminder in the back of Rin’s mind about Makoto mentioning that he was using today to clean the house while his parents took his siblings shopping, but he stomps that under the images of Makoto unconscious on the beach, which he’s been trying to stomp under the image of the Makoto in front of him now, living Makoto, his Makoto, _oh my god you could’ve been a corpse right now_ Makoto.

He does notice that the house is indeed empty due to how quiet it is, save for the little, hasty breaths exchanged and the occasional smacks that sprinkle the air. He revels in them, notices how Makoto’s breath shakes and how hot the air exhaled is when it hits his skin. Makoto’s breathing, though heavy, is present.

He hasn’t moved his hands off of Makoto’s chest, instead, curling his fingers into the fabric, his right hand pressing into the beat against the heel of his palm. He can feel Makoto’s heart, starting off steady but quickening. He doesn’t care that he’s the reason for the increase, just the fact that it’s _there_ , constant, like the cherry blossom petals that cascade into their elementary school’s pool every spring and the soar that comes with each swimming victory that sends Rin into a high.

Makoto’s own hands are gripping his waist and Rin memorizes how his fingers press into the sliver of skin that reveals itself when Makoto lifts the hem of his shirt up ever so slightly. His muscles are moving and active. His skin is warm and burns at the touch, and Rin wholeheartedly welcomes it, because that means his blood is pumping. His body is working and functioning and it’s not enough proof, it’s still not enough proof.

It takes a few minutes, at least a few longer than Rin expected to before Makoto intervenes, but he still frowns when Makoto gently pushes him back, now keeping a firm grip on his shoulders.

Rin’s hands are still clutching Makoto’s shirt and sketching the way his heart beats into his brain.

“Rin? Not that I don’t mind this, but is everything okay?”

“Shut up.” Makoto has no choice but to oblige when Rin latches himself onto him again, pressing his lower body against Makoto’s, grinding them into the wall, as if it’ll swallow them whole and cocoon them like this forever, keeping them safe. It’s something Rin’s not totally against in that moment.

Makoto finally seems to have gotten across the signal that Rin is desperate, even lifting up his boyfriend and turning him so it’s his back against the wall (Rin’s hold on him - shoulders around neck, legs around waist - is tight in an unspoken _don’t let me go, I need you to seize me and keep your weight against me _).__

It’s after the two are later on Makoto’s bed, a tangle of legs and half-opened shirts and jeans pushed down to only their knees, when he interrupts yet again.

Maybe it’s because Rin’s begun to sob when his lips pass over the pulse on the side Makoto’s neck while creating a line of hickeys from jaw to shoulder, tears mixing into the saliva that’s starting to collect and trail down his throat. It’s not his fault that licking over this reminder of Makoto’s life reminds him that it was so frail at one point, to the point of almost stopping altogether. He wonders if Haru pressed two fingers over here and got nothing in return, the thought causing Rin’s own throat to constrict even more and his breathing to stagger.

“Rin.” Makoto whispers as he shifts up against the headboard, tucking a deviating strand of hair behind Rin’s ear.

“You almost drowned. Haru told me.”

“Oh.” How the fuck Makoto understood him through Rin’s involuntarily choked words is beyond him, but Rin’s more concerned with how passive he is about it. He’s known him for years, he knows fully well that Makoto shoves his own problems deep down until he’s alone and lets them violently burst out, but all he can say right now is “ _oh_?”

Makoto turns away goddamnit, and Rin reaches for him again, yanking off his unbuttoned shirt and running his fingers down his chest, leaning down to start placing marks on his collarbone. They’d be temporary, but watching the bruises bloom in reds and violets remind him of flowers in the springtime, breathing and fresh with life. Makoto needs to be branded with his own signs of living, breathed into and created by Rin.

Instead, Makoto lifts Rin’s chin up, thumb brushing under his lower lip, using his other hand to wipe away the tracks of tears and the fresh ones that burn as they spill. He gives him a soft kiss before holding him until he’s bled dry, not saying anything when Rin’s tears scorch his skin, his cheek, his shoulders, his chest. 

When he’s done, Rin’s sadness becomes anger and he strikes his fist against Makoto’s bare chest. “How could you be so stupid?”

Makoto sighs. “Rei’s life was in danger.”

“Haru said you were barely breathing.”

“But I’m here, aren’t I?” How is he so calm?

“You almost weren’t. I could’ve lost you.”

“I lost you for a while you know.”

Rin looks down, because he knows exactly what Makoto’s talking about. It’s not Makoto’s fault, he knows he didn’t say it to make Rin feel guilty, but it makes him feel even more like shit. He knows that if Makoto had drowned, any chance of reconciliation on (only) Rin’s part was out the window. And he cared back then too, the shock when Kou told him about their training and waking up in the middle of the night wondering how Makoto was doing before stupidly deciding that it wasn't his problem and going back to sleep.

If something had happened (a small part in the back of Rin’s mind cruelly reminds him _you could have let it happen too, doing nothing_ ), Makoto wouldn't have given him the reality check of the effect Rin gives Haru when they swim together. Rin never would’ve gotten the chance to swim with his friends again, helping him remember that hey, happiness and smiling was nice, and he has them to bring it back. He never would’ve taken Makoto to the side one evening and apologized for never responding to his reaches toward him, and he never would've completely opened up about his experience in Australia and his descent into dicks-ville (in personality and sexuality), because this is Makoto and being with him is like home and comfort and pouring out every last detail and knowing he’ll listen to every goddamn word.

(it was when their conversation shifted from shared memories to laughing about their once-upon-a-time attractions to Haru, then proceeded to hook up in said boy’s guest room, thus starting an amazing relationship)

What if none of that ever happened? What if all Rin had to hold onto about Makoto was their friendship when they were twelve, rejected letters and phone calls, and calling him one of "those guys?"

They sit in silence, and Rin eventually stammers out, “I can’t lose you.”

“I can’t lose you again.”

“Yeah. Again.”

When Rin moves forward this time, Makoto doesn’t push away.

Each movement that follows means so much to Rin, and he appreciates how rough the actions are, the alternating slams into the mattress, the bite marks and harsh grips everywhere that’ll bruise and take their time fading. They’re intense and the perspiration shines a slated scarlet on their skin under the setting sun that filters through Makoto’s blinds (it blends with the scratch marks that line both of their backs and arms, their asses and thighs), and Rin soaks in every moment of it. It screams about how critical the situation is, how the marks and holds are tacit “you’re here in front of me now and I need to prove you’re physically here and always will be as long as I am too.” It’s “I never saw you like this for a while, I might never have, so I need this to make up for it” and “I don’t want to deal with almost losing you again.”

Rin settles in on the floor with his back against the bed, after Makoto says (yells, chants, cries) Rin’s name enough times so the audio’s ingrained into his mind and he’ll remember it for as long as he lives and after (it’s still not enough, because he craves the live performance more than a recording), after Makoto tightens his already-laced fingers over Rin’s when he knows Rin’s at his peak, kissing the back of his neck as he spirals undone (he can feel the kisses grow in size and transform into Makoto groaning into Rin’s shoulder when he unspirals right after). Makoto’s sweatpants and Iwatobi jacket are warm and fresh out of the laundry, the former dipping below his hipbone and the latter acting more like a blanket, but Rin’s doesn’t mind, he never has.

He grabs his phone, texting Haru a less half-assed, more “I’m still a dick but I’m trying to be less of one” apology for leaving, though going from the response, Haru doesn’t really give a shit, so Rin feels slightly better. Haru was probably excited that he could spend even more time in the bath.

Weirdo. Sometimes he wonders how he used to have a crush on him.

Makoto comes in pajama-clad with two cups of tea, handing one to Rin before sitting cross-legged across from him. This isn’t okay for Rin, so he hooks an ankle around Makoto’s to drag his leg toward him until their ankles and calves weave together.

Rin stares at the drink in front of him before confessing. “You're an idiot for doing that you know. But, I don’t know what I’d do if I lost someone else I care about to the ocean.”

Makoto smiles, but Rin still catches how his grip on the teacup makes his knuckles go white. “I could give you pointers on how to cope if it becomes a fear.”

Rin places his drink down, leaning forward and placing his hands over Makoto’s holding the cup handle. He adjusts and loosens Makoto’s fingers so the color comes back.

“If Rei’s stupid enough to do that again, or Haru’s desperate for moisture and does something equally as moronic, I don’t give a fuck that your tendency to value everyone else above yourself kicks in, I’m going with you.”

Makoto doesn’t respond since Rin leans forward even more to close the space between them, foreheads touching first, then noses, then lips.

Rin demands to stay the night, so they have a nice dinner with Makoto’s family when they return and Haru (who usually has dinner with the Tachibanas on Satudays). Rin and Haru battle it out over video games (Rin won, for the record, don’t listen to Haru), and Haru comforts Makoto, making sure that Rin didn’t trigger something about his fear after leaving his house earlier (Makoto reassures him he’s fine, but he appreciates his concern). Then it's late, so Haru leaves and Makoto's parents and siblings say their goodnights and head off to bed.

Rin and Makoto do the same a little later, and as Rin curls up against a knocked-out Makoto, he thinks of when his then-friend opened up about his phobia, not too long after the river incident with Haru.

( _maybe_ he should have been less forceful into getting Makoto to open up, but any guilt had vanished when he learned about the boat, the accident, and the funeral)

He knew the old fisherman; he used to work with his father and came over for dinner a few times. Rin had wondered if Makoto had ever seen his father in passing, maybe loading crates or snapping back the band holding his hair back before going on a trip.

Rin remembers taking the red drawstring of Makoto’s sweatshirt (he also remembers noting how good his friend looked wearing his own favorite color, he should do it more often) and ties it around Makoto’s finger before doing the same with the end of the other around his own. Younger Rin explains to a confused Makoto that it’s a cruel way of how they’re intertwined, but they’re still bound by fate.

He was such a romantic loser when he was younger without even realizing it. Thank god that’s changed.

Rin shifts so his head is on Makoto’s chest, where it rises and falls and he can hear his heartbeat, both so slow and calming, like the ocean at its best. They're reliable and strong like their owner, and Rin burrows his cheek, taking the beat in, letting it guide him to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Man, I wasn't even planning on watching Free! in the first place. But I love the characters, the friendships, and I've fallen so hard for makorin and I can't get up. 
> 
> One day I'll do these characters justice, but for now, I'm gonna pray that the two interact more in S2 (!!) and that Makoto (as much as he's my favorite and hold him dear to my heart) gets development beyond "perfect husband."


End file.
